still havent found what im looking for

Matt 5:7 "Do not think that I have come to abolish the law or the prophets; I have not come to abolish but to fulfill them"

thank You Jesus once again for bringing light to me. this time via Pastor Judah Smith's sermon series titled: "Still havent found what i'm looking for" of which Part 3 of 6 is here: http://vimeo.com/76294728

aahh. so i just came back from a pretty long holiday in Italy with my mum and aunt. it turned out better than expected in some ways and abit disappointing in others. but nevertheless, we are all back safe and sound, happy, bought everything that we had wanted and so thats good!

but since i landed in Singapore, i just kept feeling like im so dusty and dry, spiritually. without the usual dosage of going to church and listening regularly to the Word, my soul just felt so dry and frustrated. i knew that. i tried the 'methods' that i know: listen to the Word again, read the devo, read the daily scripture, read more devos, but still, i felt equally dry, if not more agitated with myself, as to why im not 'getting into the flow'. so i just turned on Pastor Judah Smith's sermons where i had left off, and the title got me: "still havent found what im looking for" that pretty much describes how im feeling about 1 half hours ago.

he shares about Jesus as THE FULFILLMENT AND THE FULFILLER of the law, or in today's modern context, the to-do lists, the must-dos, the must-achieves, the must-haves etc etc. the social status chase, the fame game, the rat race, whatever you call it. Jesus came, so as to fulfill and satisfy those 'lists' and self-made 'laws'. you know those laws: i must get married by 30 as i have limited shelf life, i must get a CAP 4+/5 so that i can get a good job and a good pay and a good life, i must be more caring and nice to people around me especially my family cos thats what is good, etc etc etc.

but you know, Jesus IS the FULFILLMENT of ALL THOSE LAWS that we burdened ourselves with, though seemingly legit and 'responsible', but following these laws is NOT what Jesus has called us believers to be/do in our lives. Jesus has called us to have a RELATIONSHIP with Him. not a set of goals, steps, rituals, customs to get 'closer to God', to have 'the good life'. JUST COME TO JESUS. forget all the 'right' things to do, the necessary things that you need to do. and just LET JESUS. just FOLLOW Jesus. Pastor Judah says follow always = faith. just FAITH Jesus. just TRUST Jesus. and LET HIM do what He wants to do in your life. in my life.

for me, my version 'laws' these days are: i need to know what im good at, what my strengths are, what i want, what i dont want, so that i can make an informed and wise decision about what career to take when i graduate in 5 months. the lists are: i need to finish my thesis by 17 FEB. that is approximately only 2 MONTHS :O!! the burdens are: should i take more modules so that i make good use of my last sem in NUS or should i take chill mods so that i can time to finish writing my thesis on good time. all sounds legit right? nothing 'wrong' with these things that are going in my head, my most immediate concerns in the coming months ahead. BUT, Jesus calls them LAWS. or the chore chart as Pastor Judah says. why would i want to walk past Jesus who has promised to do everything for me, including and more than those concerns that i just listed above, in a fun, superabundant and super satisfying manner; and go back to the boring lifeless dead chore chart? why would i just walk past the Fulfiller of all these laws i give myself, and try and help myself achieve those laws? no! go to Jesus who IS THE FULFILLER of these laws and so MUCH MORE! Jesus doesnt follow rules and laws, Jesus' ways are not logical and rational according the limit of my brain/intellect. Jesus KNOWS exactly what i need, exactly where i can get it, exactly how i will get it, and get the job done in the most excellent manner. i on the other hand dont! i dont know when im gonna finish my thesis, if im ever gonna even start on it (:O!!)/ but thats why i NEED TO GO TO JESUS! i dont need rules and laws for myself, i need the Lifegiver, Wisdom personified, the Source of all. i need Jesus.

thank You Jesus once again for this timely reminder. im gonna follow and trust IN YOU, nothing more, nothing less.

sometimes, i really dont understand why You would want me to be in leadership, Lord. in and of myself, im SO AFRAID of people, to the point where i just freeze upon interacting with people. i really just hate being with people, especially if we are all new to each other and just met. i really really feel so weak in this area. but time and again, You want me to step out. WHY? why dont You give me something easier to do Lord? why dont You call me to something that doesnt require so much stretching? any other person would do right?

despite being this age, i STILL have issues with the fear of man. i still am afraid to meet new people, im still so weak in making friends, im still so weak in anything related to people.

i know i SHOULD have been myself. but i just felt so tightly squeezed, i didnt even think about relying on You. i was trying so hard to make my weakness into a strength and portray that i dont have that weakness. the very thing that Pastor was talking about at the last sermon. i tried to psyche myself that i didnt have that, that i was already over that, that im too old for that. but the truth is, no matter how much i have 'grown', it will always be a part of me. then how? it is not for me to try and psyche it away, but rather, just acknowledging that it is my weakness. AND allow the Lord's plus to come into that area. allow the Lord's grace that was tablenacling over me then to just flow. but i was restricting the flow with my unbelief and fear. i just couldnt believe that there was grace for my situation, since this is the millionth time that im facing this stupid issue. i just forgot in that moment, that grace is for the undeserving.

the thing is not to try and psyche it away. not to pretend that i dont have that weakness. not to try and make it appear like a weakness. that is hypocrisy. that is pretending to be someone that im not. and the Lord hates hypocrisy. because He loves the person. He wants the person to feel accepted JUST AS HE IS. the Lord wants me to be accepted JUST AS I AM. why didnt i believe it? it's time to have right believing. its time to think and believe right. that I CAN BE JUST AS I AM AND NOT TRY TO BE STRONG WHEN IM NOT because the Lord ACCEPTS ME JUST AS I AM. i need to get this truth to sink into my head and my spirit man, even though i have told myself this probably for the millionth time.

believe right. and live right.

k-ramblings #3: gwanghae the man who became king

i have been wanting to write a movie of 'gwanghae the man who became king' ever since i watched it some weeks back. this is not a typical review, for that you can check out Dramabeans' review here: http://www.dramabeans.com/2013/05/movie-review-gwanghae-the-man-who-became-king/

i agree with some of the negatives of the review by Dramabeans as the film really did make the villians very one-dimensonal and evil just because they have to be evil. but i thought this movie was so excellent because it really reminded me of my Jesus, and has so much resonance with the person of Jesus. i personally really believe that the movie was such a huge success because the king embodied so many of the characteristics that the human heart yearns for in a person, that the human heart was made to appreciate and worship, because those characteristics are those that come close to the person of Jesus. every person has a yearning to have a superhero and a figure that he can respect 100% without any reserve. why do you think all the pseudo superhero movies do so well? why do you think we are always looking for the next person we can admire and respect? it is a deep cry out for Jesus who is the TRUE superhero, the true King of Kings.

in the movie, what touched my heart the most was that the king felt so indignant about the atrocities that are going on in the name of the 'law of the country' when it is actually the games and politicking that rulers play to give themselves more power. there were scenes where the king literally had veins bursting with anger like at the criminal courts where the innocent guy was being tortured for committing a stupid crime that isnt even worthy to be a crime, and at the official court where he shouted helplessly at the court ministers for upholding a law when it is oppressing so many people. in the Bible, Jesus was also furious at the Pharisees who are the counterparts of the law enforcers like the court ministers in the movie, for beating a woman caught in adultery. Jesus, like the king, came in reprimanded the Pharisees and stepped up to save the lady from being stoned to death. Jesus' eyes were blazing against injustice and religiousity that Pharisees were defending unscrupulously while the same eyes conveyed compassion, forgiveness and love for the lady. Jesus never allowed injustice and nonsense to go pass Him without confronting it head on, not for His self glory, but because He has compassion and love for sinners. in the movie, the king could feel so much for the commoners and servants in the court because he is a commoner. the king can understand the pains, struggles and challenges of daily life as a commoner, to put food on the table and to strive for a better life. Jesus, like the king, could also felt the pains and struggles of mere mortal human beings. Jesus, unlike the king, actually IS a real king, but chose to give up all of heaven's glory and position of authority as God's beloved Son, to come down to earth to be Man. in Jesus' case, it wasnt just a stand-in, He actually came all the way down to BE man (commoners). in Jesus' case, it wasnt just a fictional show, it was and is real. how can you not be touched by Jesus? how can you not just fall in love with such a loving Saviour who went all the way for you?

what touched my heart was also that the king took notice and bothered to take note of the little things and traits of his servants, like the chief eunuch Jo and the food taster Sa-Wol. like the fact that Sa-Wol loved eating red bean porridge, her family situation that is tied directly to the legislation of the royal court. the king on purpose ordered Sa-Wol's favourite food because he knew that she would get to eat it after he has eaten his share. he bothers to also make an effort to cheer the queen up, who because of palace ettiquete rules dont allow the king and queen to profess their love openly like commoners can, like putting seaweed in his teeth to look like a goon to get the queen to laugh. these little touches also so like Jesus too. when the leper who came to Jesus for healing, Jesus didnt just healed him and let him go. Jesus touched the leper. the tiny act of touching is precious, as Pastor Prince shared before, because lepers are not to be touched nor even be in close contact with anyone because of the highly contagious nature of the disease. the leper thus was devoid of human touch for who knows how long. yet, Jesus touched the leper, a small but precious detail that shows how detailed and meticulously the Lord loves us, loves you and loves me. His attention for us is personalised and special. Jesus one time also travelled all the way to Samaria just so that He could minister to one woman who have had 5 husbands. the Bible says it this way, "Jesus MUST NEEDS go through Samaria". Jesus HAD to go through Samaria, even though it was the longer way in the journey He was making. all the way for just one woman. and this woman is not a virteous woman nor a woman of honourable stature. she had 5 husbands and the one with her one is not even her husband. normal people would cast her judging looks and must have talked behind her back, many would not even not even bother about her. but Jesus is not like us. Jesus HAD to go, because she was hurting and crying out for a love that could satisfy. only Jesus can love the way He does.

there were other moments in the movie too that reminded me of the altogether lovely, kind, loving and gracious Saviour that i have. my point in writing this is to say that the reason why this movie will resonate with you, is not just because it has a humanised touch and characters that are well-developed, it is so much more than that. this movie resonates because deep inside each and every human being is a deep cry for a person or someone or something that we can look up to, that we can admire, that we can hold our respect for. no Man can ever fulfil this cry because all Man have clay feet, shortcomings, self-righteousness that puffs up, egos bigger than themselves. only Jesus is the all together lovely, the perfect spotless and beautiful Man that we can truely look up to and worship. and we can do this forever, knowing that this Man is also God. only only one Person can satisfy your heart's cry for a true Superhero, and His name is Jesus.

just read a post about how singapore is becoming such a difficult and uncomfortable place to live in. i have also heard many of my friends and their families worried about where singapore is going as a nation, some express their worries as complaints and frustrations, some have decided to just move away altogether, some are trying their best to make things work. i am a true blue singaporean. i have always been proud of my love for my home country, all my close friends will know that. im saddened to know that many people want to just give up and migrate elsewhere to escape what they see as a terrible city and a worse home to live in. i know, being here doesnt necessarily mean that you can make any significant differences, since we are living under a strong state. i know, even for those who are hopeful, things wont change so quickly, not quick enough for us to realise our ideal home anywhere. many of us enter into the civil service hoping to make that difference and contribute to making the various aspects of living in singapore work, and work better, but, it seems like there is no progress so far, in fact, many agree that we have regressed. so what to do? what can we do?

 my impassioned call to my friends has always been the same, if you leave singapore, wont it become worse and worse? if you leave singapore, who is going to make it better? how will we as the younger generation make singapore a better home if so many of us want to leave? but i also know that this is not something that can be solved with a single call, a rather simplistic blogpost like this one. thats why i have learnt, that without the wisdom and power of God, all these 'conversations' that we can have is going to be meaningless and ineffective. you may thing wisdom? isnt that for the christian spiritual things? well, the bible says that kings' (or generally rulers') hearts are all in the Lord's Hands, the governments of the world are on His shoulder. if He doesnt care about governments, why are they on His shoulders anyway? no, because the Lord loves us so much, He is concerned with whatever we are concerned about. and almost everyone lives under and by a form of national or state rule, so these things must matter to Jesus. i personally believe that the Lord is raising a generation of youths, who have a love for their country, but most importantly, are also loved by the Lord, who will use them in whatever capacity, whether through formal or informal channels, big or small, to impact Singapore as a nation and more importantly, the people of Singapore. i really believe that. i believe that people who have the most potential to make a direct impact on national policies ie civil servants, are not meant to only build a nice luxurious home for themselves, filling only their bank accounts with comfortable salaries and enjoying creature comforts while so many people in Singapore find it hard to make it through the day. they are meant to be instruments in the Lord's hands, to use His wisdom, His power, His love, His strength, to make a true difference to Singapore, to those who really need help. i dont act like i know how this will happen, i dont. thats why it will definitely and only take Jesus to make this come to pass. and i know that when this happens, all glory will go to Him, Singapore at large and the world will see, and know that Jesus Christ is involved in this. this is also a form of ministry, and the Lord will use whatever means possible to impact people for Jesus.

so, again, i reiterate my call, stay. you can make a difference to singapore in some way.

happy shalala

hello one and all! (or just one..) coming here to clear the cobwebs haha. how has everybody been? this sem has come to an end for me, except for studying for exams, which i considered another part altogether. it has been a really restful journey for me this sem, although it didnt start out to be so. in fact, the start of the sem has been quite rough, like i hit the road running and almost fell flat on my face. but right now, i just feel so happy and excited and grateful to be where i am. looking back, this is already the end of my 3rd year, time really flies. i still rmb vividly imagining myself studying at FASS in my sec school and jc days, and at that time it seemed like such a distant goal. but being where i am now, i'm amazed and humbled at the opportunity to learn what im learning now. thank You Lord :)

this sem has also really been a continuing journey of learning to receive, listen and understand the wisdom of the Lord, as Pastor Ben has been emphasising so strongly in the past few Arrow services. it is really exciting to walk everyday and almost every moment, hearing His voice and listening to that comforting, warm and familiar voice and the sense of peace that guides me in everything that i need to do. i really experience what it means to follow the unforced rhythm of grace, and listening to my spirit, instead of being ruled by my head/logic/rational part of me. and it just confirms that wisdom is a person, the person of Jesus, and not a formula to apply. yes, there are things to do in order to grow in wisdom, but that is not because of any part of us. even the desire to want to have wisdom, is from the Lord. i thank the Lord for giving me a hunger for wisdom, to know it understand it most importantly, allowing wisdom, not my mind, to make decisions or even in understanding things that happen to me. even though im still learning to not let my personality frame my world, im getting there with Jesus as my guide.

this sem has also been about growing closer, more intimate, more trusting in DaddyGod. just as last sem has been that, this sem builds on that process. that is why i say that true Christianity is NOT about religion, it is a relationship. just as any human relationship, there is a process of initial getting to know the other person, knowing that this person loves you with a passion, giving Him your trust bit by bit, more and more, knowing this person will never ever leave you, not even for one moment. it is a relationship of letting Him do everything for you, in you and through you. it is a relationship of benefiting and soaring together in life, knowing He has nothing but good plans for you. it is not a one moment or once in a while relationship, it is everyday, in highs or in lows, throughout all your life milestones and forever. how cool and mind-blowing is that? i have so much more to say, but words fail me. all i can say is, im right now, truly happy, in a way not possible before.

im also embarking on the start of my thesis journey. although i didnt get my first choice topic, i know the Lord has open another better door for me. already, i have been so blessed being advised by this advisor i was assigned to, even though he probably doesnt know it. and so many little things i have read/heard/seen that confirm the life in me, with regards to this thesis process. so cool! even though i cant see it now, i know the end is just going to be so glorious, so out-of-this-world, that people will know it is not me, but my Lord Jesus Christ who has brought me and see me through. woohoo! :)

i already prematurely want to write a tribute for the journey i have taken hahha but i will keep that for next year when i really graduate!

readings that do make sense

"Photographic pictures are a modern invention. How did people in the past salvage
their experience? By telling stories-a timeless and universal technique. We
need other people for many important reasons, not the least of which is that they
provide an audience. However, it is an impatient audience. All want to have a say, so
no one is allowed more than a couple of sentences. And these had better be punchy thus
greatly distorting the experience-in order to be heeded at all. For example, a
student may tell an audience about all-night carousing in the city-that's OK, that's
dramatic-but not about the third cup of coffee, which woke him up and led him to
observe "the empty streets bathed in celestial, early-morning light."
If scientists are a special breed because they experiment, humanists are a special
breed because they conscientiously and systematically reflect on experience. Reflection
may seem, at first blush, a commonplace sort of activity open to all. It does not
require, for example, special training and equipment, as scientific experimentation
does. Yet it is rare. A variety of factors limit its wide practice. For a start, there is
temperament-a biological given. Some individuals (a small minority in any population)
may just be more inclined to make sense of what they have undergone. Then,
society must encourage-at least should not discourage-withdrawal. In such a society,
protected spaces are available into which people can retreat to reflect alone or

in the company of a very small group of kindred, enquiring spirits. Lastly-and here
I think primarily of the practicing humanist scholar-he or she needs to have a firm
grasp of the socioeconomic and intellectual conditions that promote the savoring
of life. With such a backdrop, the scholar is in a position to examine experience
systematically, starting perhaps with his or her own, and moving on from there to
the thick-textured lives of other people in other places and other times. A special
target of examination ought to be how societies differ in making room for pauses in
the midst of life, for it is during such pauses that individuals are able to appraise the
meaning of what they have undergone. Humanists, as I conceive them, have lived in
different societies. They are variously trained; they have diverse skills and points of
departure. But, in one way or another, they can all be said to savor life. And they
may all agree that the unsavored life is not worth living."

Yi Fu Tuan, Life as a Field Trip

byebye Rock

and today marks the final official 'live' service at the Rock Audi. "places will always have meaning" this is a mantra that most geographers would be familiar with. the Rock Audi is such a place to me, and much more. i have had so many life-changing memories, experiences, journeys taken right here. not just the Rock Audi itself but also levels 4 and 6 and the various small meeting rooms where we have had smaller scale events and activities like womens' meetings and way back for Dare services. i have spend the formative years of my teenage life in church right at these venues. im a sentimental person as well so im really sad to see the church moving away from here. i believe the Star will hold even greater untold blessings and awesome experiences for me for the seasons and journeys ahead in my life. but this is my tribute to the Lord and what He has done at this little venue.

this is Level 6 of Suntec tower 4. this had been my preferred venue to attend service for perhaps the past half a year to 8 9 months or so ever since Suntec Convention closed for renovations and was no longer a service venue for us. it just alot easier than going real early to get seats in the Audi. and right here is the spot that my sis and i always sit at. right below the ceiling TV at the end of the row. but this place holds memories for me because i first had my encounter of youth ministry at this venue. youth services used to be here until we moved to the Rock Audi about 4-5 years ago. i was terrified to be here because of the 'crazy' youths at Dare service who were jumping around like mad people. they were super clique-y too and as i was really socially awkward then they scared me out of my wits. it was Xuan who keep dragging me back each time after tuition that they had at that time for O level students, that i relented to go, just for the praise & worship and sermon, not for the 'fellowship' afterward. and soon enough, i became one of those 'crazy' people too! haha. i remember telling the Lord, or at that time, just talking to the 'voice in my head' that i dont feel like jumping and praising You, but because i want to give You more weight than my problems, i want to still praise You even when im down, i just went and praised Him in the midst of my troubles. who knows? it could have been then that my life was set on a glorious destiny forever :)

this was taken during the 'last' zone service at the Rock, though it wasnt really the last as we were to have one more real last Unlimited Praise session here, which i blogged about most recently as marking another special day for me in my walk with the Lord. i was on photog duty for this Arrow service. this spot is special because the Lord showed me right around this place, about the joy and the heart of serving in His house. i started out my journey of serving as a Zone photographer. sounds quite impressive but no, im a so-so (really) amateur. i cant do those tech talk that the photog guys sometimes get into, and i dont have the desire to. i know that serving in this ministry is not so much an expression of my 'talent' of which there isnt much, but as i look back, this is just somewhere where the Lord wants to take me on a journey to learn see and experience the heart and joy of serving. i cant really explain how or why i feel such a real joy when i serve. im not naturally a service person unless necessary like at home, running errands etc. so i know that it is the Lord increasing me when i feel happy to serve. increasing me to not be afraid of people, to not see the 'wood' in people, to learn patience, to learn to step out of my weaknesses and inadequacies to just take my eyes off myself, even a love for the people. as i began to taste the things of God, i knew in my heart that there is no turning back because this is THE LIFE and THE REST that people of the world so desperately wants and needs.

and this is where you will see the all-famous "New Creation Queue"! ahhahaah. this has became a trademark of New Creation Church ever since the Audi became too small to hold all the church members. we are known as "there, the church lor, must queue up to get in one" amongst believers and/or curious by-standers who will go "eh! you see! what they queueing for ah? got free things to take is it?". i had been once part of this special feature when i first attended NCC in 2006. and faithfully attending every service, on Sundays and mid-week services ever since. i still have the super colourful queue tickets that i collected and found in my old notebook while packing my room. you had to queue to get these tickets, which then about 15-20mins before service you will have to queue up again to get into the Audi. it can be super tiring but it was worthed it when we got to walked in with an air of achievement that we beat everyone else to earn that seat in the Audi. haha! but after 1-2 years, things happened and our rountines changed. but no matter who or how, i would always looked forward to just going and sitting in church. i knew that whatever problems issues worries fears challenges assignments that i had, will be overcomed when i hear of His Word for me every week. it didnt matter if the sermon didnt speak to me, or whether i was awake even as Pastor preached (those red chairs are super comfy!), i know that the Word just washed refreshed strengthened and empowered me to walk through whatever demands of me for that week. and that made all the difference.

this was the 2nd last service at the Rock last week. this is also my favouristest spot in the Rock. i like how i can see the stage clearly yet would not be in direct view of the preachers, which can be quite scary sometimes hahaha. this was also where i had sat at in my JC days usually for Arrow services, those dark days studying for A levels hahaha. this spot was also where the Lord revealed and dropped so many dreams/visions/faith pictures in my heart, to give me a hope and a future. some of those precious dreams have already came to pass, some hasnt, all of which im thankful to Jesus for giving to me. i also stood here for the real last Arrow service (below) where Pastor Ben preached to us after a long break (happy!) and where Pastor Dan lead spontaneous worship after service (double happy!) and i got to go up onto the stage to take a beautiful picture with nice lights with my cg (triple happpyy!) :D

 and finally, this was where it all started, and where it would all end. Level 4 Suntec Tower 4. so beautiful right? i didnt realise that unless right now as im typing! this was where i began my journey in the Zone ministry where i attended that tuition thing that i mentioned just now. the ministry very kindly arranged tuition teachers for the O level students for extra tuition in whatever subjects that we needed help in. but it was not the usual tuition as i remember the teacher asking us to write down a grade that we wanted and were believing God for. at that time i hadnt had any experiential encounter with the power of the saving grace that im aware of yet, but i just wrote whatever i wanted. isnt it amazing that i have been to church so many times, but have up till then never experienced the true and living God? you see, going to church doesnt make you a believer. you have to really believe IN the grace of God then you come into contact with the explosion of Life that sets believers apart from non-believers. this, right here, was when i first began to trust believe and rest in Jesus to produce the good that i wanted to see in my life. this was also where i sat with mummy and mei for the last service just now. i purposedly took this photo because my favourite pastor Pastor Dan sang a tribute song for the Audi, it went in the tune of Jacky Cheung song which i forgotten the title of. and so, my journey comes full circle here. :)

it has been nothing sort of amazing. like Pastor said, im not ashamed to talk about my problems/things i have gone through and am still going through and wont go through, because the Lord has already given me grace and the solution to all these challenges. its not believers dont have problems in life. nope. but when we have problems, the difference is that we know, we are not dealing with it by our own meager little hands, nor by our limited knowledge and much less our puny human strength/power. but it is by the power love grace and power of the almighty God, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End, the Prince of Peace, the King of Kings and the Lover of my soul. when it is in His all-powerful and strong Hands, you can rest assured that it will be well. it is a matter of time that i experience the awesome saving power of His grace because He makes everything beautiful in His time. it didnt take me to save me from the pit of hell, and it definitely wont take an ounce of me to bring me to glorious end. i cant believe how happy and satisfied and blessed i feel i am, and i cant believe this keeps increasing every week. this is the "mega-joy" that Pastor Joe talked about. Lord, give me more capacity to receive more. thank You again for saving me, for loving me.

bye bye Rock, onward to the Star!